I wrote this earlier this year in September after a tragic school shooting whose details I’ve already forgotten. I sent it to various magazines and papers, but nobody wanted it. So it sat in a folder on my computer for nearly four months. After yesterday’s events as well as the recent events surrounding the killing of the United Healthcare CEO, I felt that I could wait no longer to publish this.

It’s Fall, and that means school shootings are back in season. So get under your desk, call your mom and dad, tell them so long, and record a TikTok of what might be your last moments because that’s the footage that does best on CNN in terms of ad revenue.

As their numbers increase, our government has made it clear that they are unable to limit school shootings. But maybe we are looking at this all wrong. Maybe school shootings are the best thing for our country. Not for the kids of course, but for the country. And isn’t that what really matters?

For starters, the victims are mostly snot-nosed kids. These non-adults rarely contribute to their community. None of them are CEOs who create jobs and boost our economy. In fact, research shows that CEOs in the United States create on average 76 billion percent more jobs than school aged children. Thus the net hit our economy takes when a school is shot up is an unnoticeable blip–especially since the shootings are more likely to happen at poor schools. Of all the people that could be wiped from the consumer pool, children are the most negligible.

Let’s talk about thoughts and prayers. I love them. They are so powerful. Not powerful enough to get legislation across the table that leads to less school shootings, but powerful enough to generate massive amounts of little heart and crying emojis on your aunt Deborah’s Facebook post featuring an airbrushed eagle holding an airbrushed American flag. In fact, research shows that communities that experience school shootings see a 95,982% increase in thoughts and prayers on their behalf. That’s 87 million percent more thoughts and prayers than most people get in a lifetime. Do we really want to deprive these communities of the opportunity to be the center of everyone’s prayers? Seems selfish.

While on the subject of communities—nothing brings a community together like a school shooting. In an era of so much political vitriol and strife, all that hate suddenly dissolves when children are murdered by an unspeakable evil that pops up out of nowhere like Fantasia’s Chernabog, a malignant evil that is entirely unpreventable, a dark secret evil that is not related to guns or to anything that can be regulated in any way at all. When this mystic evil booms into a community, that community comes together in grief and shows true human love and compassion for one another—regardless of race, religion, ethnicity, or political persuasion. Imagine if every single school across America was shot up on the same day? Think of the nationwide peace and solidarity that would be established from sea to shining sea. Think of the barriers that would be broken. It might be exactly what this country needs.

Now back to the economy. School shootings have been a boon for economic growth. The need for complex and useless active shooter training systems and curriculums has created an entire new industry, and that industry is booming. Also, the words “gun” and “AR-15-style” see a 152,897% increase in use across news media and browser searches post-shooting. It’s great advertising for what these weapons of war are meant to do: kill human beings. Think about it. The news coverage of school shootings is essentially an ad for guns. “Look at this, everyone. A child with no combat training and limited planning managed to kill 10 people before anyone stopped them. That’s the magic of the AR-15-style rifle. Get yours today, and get the most bang for your buck!”

As far as the kids who survive, if they manage to get a good interview that stands out, they might get to build a career out of their trauma. If they are luckier still, they’ll go to our nation’s capital and speak on school shootings. Nobody will really listen and nothing will really change, but what a cool experience to put on a resume or college application! And even if they don’t get any notoriety for being a survivor, the experience is sure to help them grow and develop into a stronger human. This strength will enable them to be a better support for the next generation of children that live through school shootings. 

So let’s stop trying to end school shootings, because we obviously cannot. The government has more than proven that over the last 20 years. Instead let’s embrace them. So join with me, and let’s thank our country for failing to protect children while not failing to protect something far more important: our economy and our freedom. God bless America, and my thoughts and prayers to the victims and their families.

Stephen Nothum is the author of Teething and Other Tales from the American Dystopia, a collection of bizarre dark humor short stories exploring dystopian elements of contemporary American life. His debut book, Teething made multiple bestseller lists. Stephen is also a film and fiction analyst who makes analysis videos on platforms like TikTok and YouTube for his more than 60,000 followers. In another life, Stephen worked as a public school Language Arts teacher for nearly a decade.